I have a computer database that won’t accept any more entries and a lawyer who can’t spell the word “threat”, let alone “threatened”, and I am deeply, deeply, sad inside today. But that has more to do with marriage and my inopportune proximity to Valentine’s day (tomorrow). Last night we made a joke of struggling for a spot on the couch, and the topic of being the alpha dog came up. He claims to be the alpha dog of the family. Unfortunately so do I. He said, basically, in so many passive-aggressive non-ways, But I am the alpha dog and you can’t be happy being the alpha dog. Because I am the alpha dog.
I was just about to counter with, “But, I don’t want a submissive dog to my alpha-ness, I want an equal.”
But then I realized that the equal to equal is always a war with alpha dogs, isn’t it. And I realized how unhappy I am with it. I am uncomfortable being controlled, I am uncomfortable and angry if I’m told I have to accept and not comment, and I’m furious if I’m told it will never change.
He pretty much said all those things within a couple of sentences, without even intending to piss me off. In his offhand, alphadog automatic mode.
He said, “But I don’t argue with you because you always disagree with me anyway, so why should I continue?”
“But I’d rather we could communicate more anyway,” I tried to say. Don’t know if I said it that clearly as I have here.
“But I am me,” he said, “and I’m never going to be like that. I’m not like _________.”
Never going to be like that, is what hit me. I have set myself in a framework that is now an announced prison, with that statement.
I used to think he would flex with time. But on this one point I’m not so sure. He has moods where he becomes talkative, but he does not discuss much. I don’t think he has a clue what romantic discussion is about or anything that would lead to it. I don’t think actual emotional communication is even in his vocabulary. He has only cried in front of me once, and that was when he was directly exasperated with me over some lack of communication we were having when he felt like I was still longing for someone I used to know, and I told him that was NOT the case and he dried right up. I keep demanding communication, connection, closeness, and none of those things show any signs of coming any closer to my shores with time. I let out my rope and let out my rope, and draw it in, and there’s nothing in the net. Strangely, he doesn’t feel any lack. He is content to live this way, laying our differences aside and ignoring so very much.
In the past, I would just close up shop, pack my stuff; chalk it up to being the wrong person, just move on. But I’m 50 plus now. I just recovered from ten years of artistic poverty by diving into a career disaster that should have panned out; and after a bunch of failed relationships, I just have SO little motivation to trust anyone or begin again.
But can I live with this alpha oppression and lonely obedience? Can I just accept that things will never happen? I wish I could push myself to feel intensely one way or the other; to motivate me to a liberation or a resignation. But it’s really right up the middle. It’s either “He drives me crazy, he does not love me, he knows not how to love anyone; I hate this”; or, “He’s a good man, he’s calm, he doesn’t demand much of me, he’s stable, he’s able, has no vices, he’s generally kind, I should be grateful.”
In Feng Shui, pink is the color best suited for things related to marriage, relationships, romance, because of its symbolism from the metal white and the red of fire. Passionate flames forge a rigid metal into stronger, more resilient things. I could choose a metal sword of white or the fire of red affections in the feng shui of it all. But I cannot choose anything, I am pink.
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