I am progressively growing more surly with each passing day as I have resigned myself to losing some of the “junk in my trunk.” Dieting just is NOT something I wrap a hand around well, let alone the head. The hand keeps showing up with cookies in it. But now that I have assigned myself a personal trainer and officially decided to go for it and return via forced labor to my former glamourous physique, I try to console myself with the following list. There are pretty much only three other places to go for lunch around my work, and they’re astronomique! So here they are, the winners of the Bee Barf in a Bucket Award:
1. The Phony Pho place: a Korean cook’s attempt at making Pho, which should have been Vietnamese Beef Noodle Soup.
Should have been: abundance of firm rice noodles, at least 7 pieces of rare beef and green onions in mildly spiced strong beef broth soup.
Was: 5 pieces of skinny shrivelled overcooked beef, not enough noodles, beef broth too clear to be real stock, and punished with too much 5-spice.
2. Death by Dionysius: The Supposed Greek plate.
Should have been: hummus zingy with garlic and lemon, tabouleh, lightly toasted pita, grilled chicken or real rotisserie carved gyros.
Was: curiously yellow rice with no visible proof of any saffron or flavor, a tiny dab of dull tasting hummus, grilled hockey puck chickenbreast, no tabouleh or gyros to be had, substitute cucumbers and tomatoes. Oh Yeah! Of course, they’re Russian….
3. Taco Hell would taste lots better than this joint. It’s Hex-Mex.
Should have been: 2 steamed tender enchiladas of falling-apart chicken and/or cheese, generous amount of ranchero sauce that tastes of pasilla chilis, or tomatillo salsa, and some well-grated lettuce garnish, spanish rice and frijoles refritos.
Was: two hard rolls of unsteamed tortillas with very little meat or noticeable cheese, ranchero sauce resembling a vague glaze, nasty lettuce, greasy oily side of salsa cruda that tastes of raw onion, minute rice in a flavor that could only be called “orange” and black dry un-fried beans.
4. The Sushi Bowl quicky stop. Stop. Quickry.
Should have been 4 pieces of tekka roll with wasabi, tightly rolled and small enough to eat in a bite, but appetizing enough; miso soup, small bowl of rice with terriyaki chicken lightly sweet/soy flavored.
Was: No miso soup, falling-unrolled “spicey tuna roll”, i.e., mushy scraps of tuna blendered with hot sauce that renders it further unrecognizable. Incredibly sugary terriyaki sauce over gummy burnt chicken. Plastic fork presented instead of chopsticks adds insult to injury.
5. Snooty Neopolitan Pizza Wannabe Parlour.
Should have been: Thin, not quite cracker-like but flavorful and light thin crust with strong acidic tomato sauce, strong, more-than-mozerella Actual From Italy cheese, pepperoni with restraint and strong punch.
Was: gummy tasteless skimpy pizza dough, where’s the sauce?, We-R-Kraft cheese food, and grease three feet thick on shrivelled discs of cheap pepperoni jerky.
6. Thai a Yellow Ribbon Somewhere Else, Don’t come back here.
Should have been: Pad Thai noodles wide and ribboned, not soggy, tossed in appropriate light not quite tomato based sauce with correct spices, sauteed tofu, fresh lime wedge, peanut gratings, and 8 shrimp butterflied with tails in tact.
Was: Overcooked gummy noodles with a strange sour tasting sauce, pre-fab pre-cooked tofu that tasted like it didn’t belong there, 4 tiny hard shrimp and I had to ask for lime. Afterward, specifically felt as if I’d been given something that would wreak havoc with digestion. What, who knows.
7. Soon Dobu (Spicey Korean Tofu Soup) Place.
Was: Great and spicey and yummy until it lit my insides on fire and we later discovered they got cited for some Mexican worker putting a floor mop in the dishwasher rack to clean it.
8. The Chinese Wok Place.
Should have been: Memorable.
Was: All I recall is even the Hot and Sour soup tasted like it had been tinned.
9. Famous Chutzpah Bagel Shop.
Should have been: Leaden, solid, strong flavored, honest bagels, toasted with true tart cream cheese. How hard is that? I didn’t even ask for lox.
Was: Squishy gummy bready overtopped wierd flavored breadmush, grilled and spread with some indeterminate shmear full of guar gum. Feh.
10. The American burger joint from …. I don’t know… Malaysian, are they?
Should have been: Large enough, juicy enough, burger with serious sharp cheese on requisite bun — I’m not even asking for sesame seeds, or condiments.
Was: Oddly overdone sliver of rubber on disintegrating crumbly air-puft bun with American Single (a.k.a. melted PVC) for garnish.
11. Veggie Matic.
Should have been: Decent vegetable concoctions, variously and pungently spiced or flavored, with brown rice.
Was: Proof their mom could not cook. Period.
12. Denny’s. Need I say more.
Dang! Now doesn’t that Healthy Choice meal and fresh grapefruit look good!
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