I want the recorded life of mine to show that I had but 5 or 6 truly good years in my life, and they existed because I believed in love of someone I was certain looked out on life from my own heart’s view. And ultimately, I found even that certainty foundered, and I have never recovered. I have never known a solid thing since, and perhaps the ephemera of this world had been meant to be pointed out to me. Please take my apology for the actions that flowed out of this dark place in me, I am truly sorry for that.
When I look over the span of all the rest of those years, I find that I mothered many youths of varying ages into dislike of me, but that I feel ultimately, in the greater scheme of their lives, they will mark my words and hopefully recall an hundredth part of the affection I felt for them daily, which is the only sure happiness I yet possess.
As for my ambitions, they have been veritably erased by callous disregard, time, fear, my simple lack of continuity in a given path, and perhaps by a God who knows my ambitions were not entirely without longing for a place of respect for myself in the eyes of others. I have not lost that desire but perhaps one day will look out on a time where I am free of its slaving and nagging, as it makes me churn on even now in this writing. No matter how I have said I wanted humble things, I can truly say there are no more humble things to want, for I have had them all, with the one costly exception of a surrounding and constant family.
At this point, my greatest work has been to see that I am not so hated for having struggled terribly to do what I saw was right and good, whether anyone liked the results or not, as to render all of my efforts soured and keep me from the only path that underlaid all the rest: the will to give back and steer free and bolster those around me from this oppressive mindset which is our earthly apparent world. I had wanted to sweeten the world for you all, and I am not at all sure that change was effected, which is my sorriest discovery. With all my hope, my heart was really very innocent. It is ME telling you this, that I am innocent; and you know I do not lie, as it is a cultivated skill which I am too lazy to perfect.
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