In Twilight Regalia

OR… BECAUSE I SAID SO.

Tonight I watched this terrible terrible mistake of a movie, Silverhawk, with, of all people, Michele Yeoh, who I used to adore. The only true martial arts heroine that made it across the pond, until Zhang Zi-Yi appeared. Only thing is the whole movie had the actors speaking English, but the soundtrack didn’t quite match, so it felt dubbed, even though it wasn’t really. And you kept wondering where were the Chinese words under the dubbing? And then you looked at the mouths, and Oh yeah, they’re speaking English…. kinda….

The dialogue was Waaaaaay bad. Super awkward and drawn out. The fight scenes were laughable cartoon pow!-biff! stuff.

The most disturbing thing was I kept looking at this woman who my husband said was Michele from Crouching Tiger and I was like, wait, NO, what would Michele Yeoh be doing in this stupid flick? It’s just badly made… and this girl is a lot younger than Michele, isn’t she? I mean she looks like she could be Michele’s double, like a stand-in, but it’s not ….. Michele…………. is it?

I found out Michele produced it and did in fact star in it, it was in fact her. But MAN it was …. odd… I think she’s had work done. She’s definitely lost 10 years, but she’s also lost that Michele-ness in her steely gaze that had the depth of character that I loved. Where is my crouching-tiger sophisticated accomplished woman in a level-headed rage?

And who is this chick in white hot-pants????!?

The plot was comic-book fluff, and it gave Michele a chance to wear no less than four wigs, but that could still be ok if you were really scared by any of the villains, but of course you aren’t. The stunts were not well shot except for maybe two scenes, and there was a lot of slo-mo. I’d rather see a sped-up mock fight like Jackie Chan uses (or actually many others use as well). Stephen Chow uses slow motion techniques like this, but there’s always a comedic sight-gag in it when he directs it, so you just crack up and wince at the same time. Not so for poor Silverhawk. Credit where credit is due, however: Someone made her a very cool mask/headgear thing. Liked it. Beat the hell out of Batgirl or Catwoman.

Tomorrow, however, we watch the real deal, Thailand’s own Mr. Tony Jaa!! Oh yeah! I’ve seen a crappy cribbed version — that even in its raw camera-in-the-coat-pocket state with heads bobbing in front of the screen, absolutely made me tingle. I haven’t seen anyone like that since Bruce Lee. He’s AMAZING. See the man, please. Or you’re just stupid.

On another front, we saw some good dog fighting — in Wallace & Gromit - Curse of the Were-Rabbit, that is. But I have to say if you already have seen all the Wallace and Gromit films, this one is simply another in the genre and will not surprise you in terms of plot, sight gags, or sheer “awwww isn’t it cute”-ness. What it will do is amaze you with its technical precision and artistic perfection. Nick Aardman is really like Der Niebelung’s Wagner. He is an extremist in a field of extremes. Anyone who gets into stop motion has to be anal-retentive crazifying to begin with. And these pictures are SOOOO complex, so lush, so gorgeous, and so quaintly mocking of old horror films as well, it is a feast that can’t be consumed in one viewing, even for a visual connoisseur. And then he throws in about a hundred baby bunnies just to make life more interesting (read: insane).

There are a small number of tormentingly talented overblown geniuses out there — Tim Burton, Terry Gilliam, Peter Greenaway, — but Nick is the one I see as driving his slave-devotee laborforce into the ground with sheer tedium of manufacture. I truly hope they love their work. Second runner up is of course Mr. Burton and his trained squirrels (who were quite worth every hour that poor trainer spent with them, I might add.).

How did I get from martial arts to squirrels?. Oh. Yes. Fighting with Art. Anyway, you should in fact see Wallace & Gromit regardless. Don’t wait for the video! This one needs a big screen. I’m seeing Corpse Bride this weekend and shall report. I hope the bad jokes don’t bother me, but I suspect they will. I didn’t like the trailer much. It better have much more to offer me.

On the further topic of high and quirky genius and the battle for artistic understanding, I read an article in a very typical popular mag which shall go unnamed because I’m ashamed it’s actually on subscription to my home, but — Steve Jobs was again put under a microscope, with his new wunderprodukt, the video iPod.

What I can’t understand is how the interviewers, who predictably plan on cracking the magic of the Apple mind and dissecting it, can get away with this same slant time after time in print. They still gawk at how Steve Jobs is such a cool dude but holds such powerful control. They talk about Apple employees like they all must be on some kind of happy drug, and wonder if they ever go home to anyone in the social outside world. They still puzzle over how good design can sway entire countries into investment of their hard-earned cash to Apple when Bill Gates is making moola hand over fist by not doing anything of the kind. They talk about money, timing of a product’s release, being covert and hording control over systems as well as hardware, etc. etc. etc. They still have no idea why a truly artistic statement is so appealing. They all have about as much natural born creativity as a knot in an IBM necktie, and they’re reporting once again that it makes no sense why Apple is doing so well. They cannot fathom the power of an aesthetic purity.

The whole article is basically through binoculars: My GAWD, GeneralSir, Them boys’ve DONE IT AGIN!!

I am only religious anymore at such times, and praise Allah or whoever else, I am GRATEFUL that I went to art school.

I leave you with the lyrics from ART SNOB SOLUTIONS, by Of Montreal, which is a very catchy poppy tune, you should pick it up.

ART SNOB SOLUTIONS

What’s up directors? Grab your knives!
It’s time to take all, all of the lives
Of the people who cannot see
the somnolent genius of Tarkovsky

Come on authors, grab your guns!
It’s time to murder everyone
who has never heard of Apollinaire
Send them all to hell it’s only fair

Cast them all into the flames
if they don’t know any names
Of the principles of Arte Povera
Or are unfamiliar with le serpent mascara
That’s right mascara snake!!!

Come on painters alive or dead!
Give all the cretins a boot to the head!
If they don’t extoll convincingly
Tempered Elan era Kandinsky

Throw them all into a well
if they cannot tell
An Arto Parv feast of repetition
from a Schoenburg 12-tone composition

Come on artists the day is here
And your mission is very clear–
Put an end to the bourgeoisie
And death to everyone who’s never heard of me!

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